Break Times 2

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”
“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?” 

“No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

The teacher says, “I wish you’d pay a little attention Mary.”
“I am paying as little as I can Mrs. Bell,” said Mary.

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"

A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked, “What are you looking for?" He replied, “The expiration date.”

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Pranky Jokes

Read more...

Jokes: By All Means Marry

 

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette;
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry ;
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi;
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates;
A woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas;
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud;
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous;
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Henny Youngman;
'I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.'

Sam Kinison;
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

James Holt McGavran;
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

Patrick Murray;
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash;
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous;
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman;
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield;
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle;
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous;
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous;
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Jokes For All Occasions

Read more...

Break Time

Mystery Adventure Game

A customer comes into a computer store. “I’m looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging.”
After a while the clerk replied,  “Have you tried Windows 2000?”

Magician
Teacher: What does your father do for a living?
Student: He is a magician.
Teacher: What is his favourite event.
Student: He cuts people in two.
Teacher: How many brothers and sisters do you have?
Student: One half-brother and one half-sister....

Guess
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"

CIA
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Big Time Break

Read more...

Jokes

Respect and Listen

Our generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders. Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.

Train

A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.

A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying:"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too!!”

Zero Gravity

During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.

Microsoft Services Tech

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere.

One of the three men says, "I have an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far enough for someone to hear us."

So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).

15 minutes later, the men in the balloon hear an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"

One of the men says, "That must be a Microsoft service tech!"
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The man replies: "For three reasons:
(1) he took a long time to answer,
(2) he was absolutely correct, and
(3) his answer was absolutely useless."

Pranky Jokes

Read more...

Jokes: Divorce, Custody and Pepsi Cola

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but a custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

He Won!!
Read more...